March 31, 2020

Transforming Self-Doubt into Self-Confidence with Dr Aziz Gazipura

Transforming Self-Doubt into Self-Confidence with Dr Aziz Gazipura

Dr. Aziz Gazipura is the world’s leading confidence expert. He teaches people how to learn confidence so they can eliminate self-doubt, hesitation and social anxiety and master conversations, accelerate in their careers, and create deeply fulfilling relationships.  He completed his doctoral training at Stanford and Palo Alto Universities and is the founder of the Center For Social Confidence. He has a large online following with his podcast and YouTube videos and is the author of three best-selling books, including his most popular book: Not Nice.

Find Dr Aziz online at www.SocialConfidenceCenter.com

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Transcript

spk_1:   0:00
Episode 15 Untranslated Ming. Self Criticism and Doubt Into Self Worth and Confidence with Dr Aziz Get Support. Welcome to Brave by design I'm your host LL Oracle, Ill. I'm an entrepreneur, coach and speaker. I love thinking, Bake. Exploring the power of personal development and sharing the best strategies from thought leaders and pioneers and business to empower ambitious women and allies to bravely rise and thrive. Let's get started. Hey, there we go. We're off to the races. Everyone, welcome to this episode of Brave by design. I am about to go bananas over our guests today, and I think you're gonna find out why in just a minute. Dr. Aziz Gases Pura is the world's leading confidence expert. He teaches people how to learn confidence so they can eliminate self doubt, hesitation and social anxiety and master conversations, accelerating their careers and create deeply fulfilling relationships. He completed his doctoral training at Stanford and Paolo Alto Universities and is the founder of the Center for Social Confidence. He has a large online following with his podcast and YouTube videos, and he is the author of three best selling books, including his most popular Not Nice, which I am a huge fan of Dr Z's Welcome to the show.

spk_0:   1:33
Thank you so much. Wow, I love it. I love your enthusiasm and I'm excited. I love that there's someone who is excited as I am about talking about confidence, being less nice thing on our own side because that's that's the world I live in. I could I could no doubt about that for for hours.

spk_1:   1:49
Oh my gosh, I cannot wait. Now you have a new book out. This one is called on my own side transform self criticism and doubt into permanent self worth and confidence. This was just released and before we get into that book, which is what we're going to spend our time here chatting about. I cannot tell you how many people I have given. Not nice to. It is like my Bible. I am obsessed with it, and it feels I just want to say thank you for creating that truly, because it's an incredible book, and I think for women, especially, who need to hear that message, it iss so powerful because we think it's mean to be not nice.

spk_0:   2:29
Yes, and that's the biggest trap it is. This either you fall into this overly nice and therefore people pleasing, uh, not wanting to create conflict, not wanting to upset anybody. And what we don't realize is if we're going down that path, we're not actually being a kind good person. Like we think what we're doing is we're getting further and further from our true cells were alienating from ourselves and that actually the way back to being ourselves and the opposite of being excessively nice is to be authentic is to be realist. To be bold is to be expressive. And then not only can we feel much better about ourselves, we can have better relationships where we're actually more authentically kind and generous and genuine. So it is a truly ah liberating past if you're willing to follow it. So I'm so glad that you're on board with that and you're spreading the message.

spk_1:   3:23
Oh, my God, Yes, I'm crazy about I don't want to say I'm stalking you because that would seem very weird and unprofessional, but in a professional way, I am following your career closely. I am very interested in what you're doing, and I think that on my own side seems like such a beautiful follow up to not nice. And so what I'd love to do is start by you sharing a little bit about like, you're a dude who's talking about really emotional stuff feelings, empathy getting into our bodies. That is not typically something that we hear from men. That's typically, you know, the burn. A browns of the world are talking about that stuff. So I would love if you could start us off by telling us your story and why you do this.

spk_0:   4:13
Yeah, absolutely. So we can go all the way back. And people have to ask, Why do you teach around confidence? Why is that an area that you're so focused on? One person actually asked me. So why did you decide to become Mr Confidence? It was like, Well, I don't think I've ever called myself that. But thank you. Uh, but the reason is because I struggled with it so much I had such limited confidence. I had extremely low self esteem, a lot of social anxiety and as a result, lived in a cage and I talked about this at my life events. It's like an invisible cage that you pick up and you carry it with you and that cage could be social anxiety. You know, I don't wanna reach out. I wanna talk to people who just a lot of hesitation and self criticism. Self judgment. But it could also be the cage of niceness where you do go talk to people, but you're still pretty confined and restricted and overly guilty, and then second guessing yourself and all that stuff. So I I carried both those cages, probably many, many more cages with me and was living a life that was that was full of suffering. And I was really just trying to cope with that. And so I would use a fair amount of cannabis play a lot of video games, TV, just a lot of ways to numb out. Really, I think that's unfortunately quite common in our culture. Oh, yeah, well, don't necessarily think of it is numbing out, But you know, she's 678 10 12 hours of screen time a day. But what are we doing with our lives? We're not fully alive or not fully living, and I think it's because we are all so many people have so much pain inside and Then there is this, uh, general attitude in our culture, especially in Western culture. Special United States of like paying inside. What are you, a snowflake like? Come on, right. You just get stuff done. You just take action. You just do it. And, uh, this is actually exemplified. One time I was at, ah, gathering with some people and there's a There's a guy there who found out what people did, and, uh, he hadn't got to me yet. He didn't know that I do coaching, but someone mentioned the name Tony Roberts and he said, Oh, God, Tony around quickly. You know that I'm a coach of a psychologist. I'm a big fan of Tony Robbins. I've studied this material applying a lot anyway, and he's like, Ah, this guy that's the whole coaching field is just a bunch of desperate people and then people who take advantage of them. It's It's just so pathetic. Wow, I said, I said So I'm curious. What have you studied of Tony Robbins programs? And the guy said, Well, I actually really haven't studied anything. Maybe I've seen the YouTube video. I was like, Oh, okay. And, uh, and then I said, Well, let me ask you a question. Let's say someone is facing a challenge in their life. May be in their relationship or at work, and they've tried everything they could to solve it. They read some books, they talked to some people and they just they were still stuck. Yep. What should they dio? And he was a little flustered by the fact that was actually trying have a real dialogue with him, just spouting off opinion. And he said, Well, uh, get a six pack of beer and go to the back of the yard and fat can fix it. I don't know what else and then I was like, Okay, well, we're so and, um, you know, he's sort of an extreme example that I'm giving here, but I do think a lot of people have a general attitude and idea of, like your feelings coaching, working on yourself, reading books like fit. And that is so unfortunate because what I discovered to me back to my journey, I reached a rock bottom place of pain, and I had a threshold moment which I'm so grateful for, and so many people that come into my world have this moment where you see you wake up and you see, this is the amount of pain that I've been trying to numb out and in my future is even more Oh, my God. And, um, the woman who wrote of liking on her name, she wrote mind over medicine. Lisa Rankin has this beautiful quote that says when the pain of staying where you are exceeds your fear of the unknown You a week.

spk_1:   8:22
Oh, yeah,

spk_0:   8:23
and that's exactly happened to me. And so I started to look and, you know, we're living in an amazing time for me. This journey started 17 years ago, and the Internet was already still going and strong, so you could start to look online. It's even more abundant now, but I started. Look online. It's like what's out there. And it's not that I hadn't done that in the, you know, 10 15 years of struggling with anxiety Before then. It was the first time I was really looking. Really?

spk_1:   8:48
Were you already? Where were you in your career? A TTE that point.

spk_0:   8:52
I was young. I was 21. Okay? I had I was finishing up. I was in computers I completed. I was I switched out of computer science in college and was looking for something else, and I was drawn Psychology. Um, it was right around that time that I started just, you know, discover that there might be a solution. So I became I was starting to study psychology in the university. But then I also started to study it in personal development. And that one just took off for me because I started discover some resource is that basically were teaching me that you could shift your basic stuff like You can change the way you think you can change what? You talk to yourself. You can change a belief. These things. I mean, I really did have a fixed my instead of that point in my life. Up until that point, this is how it is. This is who I am. I'm not a confident person. I'm not an outgoing person. I'm not a charming person. I'm not attractive person.

spk_1:   9:48
And that's that.

spk_0:   9:49
And that's that. You know, Settle. Look at that person over there. Look at me. Enough said, you know, right? So it was about coping with my life and with who I was, and with the hand that I believed I was dealt as opposed to growing and unlocking. And I'm binding myself from these stories and limitations. And then when I got a taste man, I got hooked. And that's why I want to hear about that guy at the dinner party was telling me about that. You know, this stuff is also stupid, and even people that I love and cherish in my life who, well, barely pick up a book when they're struggling with something for years. And I think, Wow, what what liberation is being lost there?

spk_1:   10:31
Well, I mean, and that's really the truth is that we get so comfortable in that discomfort because you talk a lot about this, about things that are certain tow us and things that are known to us. And sometimes it can be more comfortable because we know what it feels like to feel like crap. We know what it feels like to, um, have those self limiting beliefs. They were very well worn, and in fact, I want us to talk a little bit about that role that you spend so much time in the book discussing that role of the inner critic. What is the inner critic? What? And why do we have it?

spk_0:   11:10
Yeah, the inner critic. It just sum it up. Most people are are vaguely aware that they haven't inner critic and they're aware when it attacks them and says, like, you know, you ate that cake. You're such a ah, you know, are you? You didn't speak up. You're such a loser. All that person never to call you back because you're no good. And we're very aware what is going on this onslaught against us, but we're not aware of, is that there's a There's a background campaign that it's running at all times. That's just maybe not directly attacking us, but kind of undermining us. Are you sure you want to do that? You're probably It's probably gonna go. Well, you should just wait, You know, don't Don't try to put yourself out there now that are gonna like you. Anyway. It's just very reasonable, Very comforting in a way to have this. Yeah, like a little guide on our shoulder. But it's where is it guiding us? And that's what I always steer people towards. It save you. Listen to the critic where is it guiding? And this gives us a clue as to what its purposes, but it's always guiding you away from action away from risk away from potential pain. It's

spk_1:   12:10
a safety. They own places. Yeah,

spk_0:   12:13
safety. You know the known is safe in the known might be utterly painful and miserable and depressing. But you're you're alive and there's some It's deep survival programming in us. It says. I need to stay alive and a risk and emotional risk in this day and age is what we really face. Very few of our risks are physical, but we are our programming in our mind and our DNA, and our heritage is very much like you to stay alive. And so we bring that to everything. So getting rejected on a date is life threatening to a part of us. That part runs a campaign day and night that says, Avoid, avoid, avoid, stay safe, stay safe. And it's one of its most powerful tools. It's got It's got a repertoire of tools, but one is that inner critic.

spk_1:   13:00
You write this quote in the book, you say we spend so much time worrying about how we come across two others. We plan what we're going to say. We think of ways to make others feel positive towards us. Ah, and strive to him to impress and be adored. And then you're going to say, Except we neglect the relationship with ourselves, which we completely ignore or put low on the priority list. How have we learned to put ours ourselves so low on that list? Why is that? Yeah, I don't think people see it that way. They think, Oh, there's just this voice telling me, you know, stay safe. But what? They don't realize this you're actually knocking yourself down?

spk_0:   13:43
Yeah, What's really interesting about that is come on. In this day and age, and especially in our culture, we actually are very so focused, which is so funny to have this like bad relationship with ourselves. That's also very self absorbed. Yes, kind of a crazy.

spk_1:   14:03
And actually, can you dig into that more cause? I'd like people to understand why that is so self absorbed.

spk_0:   14:09
Sure well, whatever. I'm dealing with someone with social anxiety or something's happening. I say. What's going on? What are you afraid of? Well, I'm going to show up. I have this talk I'm going to give and I don't know if it's gonna be good enough. And what if I stumble on my words and people will look at me and I think I don't what I'm talking about and it is Okay, wait a minute and I'll do this. I must say, I am going to stumble on my words. I'm gonna look like I don't know what I'm talking about. My highlight. How there is zero focus on what is the message I wantto contribute. What's the outcome in this meeting? What is the impact I want tohave gonna matter for them and their lives? Why is it that they want to listen to it could improve their life for their business in some way. And they're like, Oh, it's

spk_1:   14:52
all about me.

spk_0:   14:53
Yeah, and that doesn't make us bad. That just makes us afraid, because when we get afraid, we become so focused again focused on our survival. And I think we're generally operating with a with a fair level background of anxiety. And it's about, like, how do I look good enough to get love? And that's what big part of the book is. We have this core belief that we need to earn our worth way to earn love. And so we're in this hustle, this permanent hyper drive to and we've kind of lost sight of it. So it's just this habit of like, well, like, of course, I can't feel loved right now because I haven't achieved all my goals here. And it's this carrot that we're constantly holding out and what we live our lives in this perpetual state of lack of worth and lack of love thinking One day we're gonna get it, and so that makes us very self absorbed. Serve very self focused,

spk_1:   15:44
incredibly mean it. It's you talk about this later on in the book. You know, if only I wore this size of clothing or wade this amount or fix the wrinkles on my face or, you know, whatever it may be and that the thing that's so insidious about this is that even when we hit that goal, if we d'oh, we're still not there, yeah, you're never there. And so it's such an inside job in the book. I mean, guys, if you have not been through therapy, this book is basically like giving you the tools that you would use in therapy to or in a coaching practice to work through these issues. And that brings me to another point or question. And this may sound kind of like a silly question to ask. But I want I love to hear your answer, which is why should we do any of this? Why is nurturing the relationship with our self important What does it look like on the other side? Yeah,

spk_0:   16:50
that's a great question. Well, I think what we want to do is gonna get really honest with ourselves and say, Deep down, Do I live my life in, ah, state of gratitude, joy, trust and fulfillment. And the answer is, for most people, is no and doesn't matter what we want to represent to others and what we want toe put on in our social media and our social persona. But the truth is, deep down, most of us don't, and there's there's a lot of suffering in the hence, the 12 hours and the 12 hours of screen time is the staff that actually citing the book, that's a few, Uh, that's from Nielsen, uh, company that tracks all that stuff 12 hours a day of screen time is the average American usage, and that doesn't include your screen time at work. So it's basically people are on average, connected to a screen. Most of their waking hours. Um, which again I don't want All that is instantly bad or instantly shows that were hating ourselves. But it is like a kind of a red flag, and it's like, What are you know, how much time can really connect with ourselves and be aware of ourselves that we're constantly out really focused on the screen. And so we want to do is you want to say, uh, am I really driving? And I really alive and really feeling good inside? And if the answer is no great, let's acknowledge that and see it as it is because there is a pathway and the pathway is not toe, earn Maur and achieve more and get more accolades and get more recognition. The pathway is too. As I called his journey into the center of your heart. Why are you not right with yourself? And it really does come back to that relationship, how we're treating ourselves, and we really start to think about this relationship like you would with a relationship with anyone else if you were in an abusive relationship where every day got home, the person was waiting there saying, You're not smart, You're not good, You're fat, you're ugly. You're grocery this or that. But, uh, like, how could you possibly feel enjoyment of happiness in your life when you're at home and that's what we're doing? Only that person is not at our home. That person's with us 24 7 As they don't get control of that, we will suffer no matter how much we succeed. And if we do get control of that, not only do we feel better right now, but we end up enjoying our success, actually being able to relish it and ultimately succeed even more because now you are. Don't have this insane headwind of 50 miles an hour pushing you back every step of the way with doubt and self judgment.

spk_1:   19:15
You know, one of the things you're saying that is reminding me. I was in ah sort of ah, group conversation with a bunch of people a month ago and we were talking about self worth. And how do you know how to get self worth right out of it. And I said, You're you're worthy because you are and you are here, you are alive, You are in life. And that is enough to feel the worthiness not because, as you say, of having achieved certain things. So when we talk about the self critic, you give a sort of a top 10 list. First of all, there's a great quiz in the book about sort of determining, like how I remember how you call it, but basically how strong or weak perhaps the self critic is within you, which I loved doing. And then you give this top 10. Recap of these are sort of the 10 types of ways that yourself critic may appear, And I love to know if there's a couple of those that you feel, uh, most people feel very strongly.

spk_0:   20:28
Hey, sure, yeah, well, there's the direct self attack, which, as I said before, everyone can identify when that's happening, and, um, what I wanted to share in the book was tools to actually be able to interrupt and stop that, because that one is the most devastating to our confidence and to our sense of self and everything. And so, um, what I struggled with was a voracious inner critic, and I honestly didn't know how to stop it when it would get started. I felt like it was just this, like, angry parent inside that I would just have to sit there and receive. And so, in the book, that'll do. I share the tools about how to interrupt that, but I also help people get into a state where they are the inner authority, and they're not just letting that part run the show, so it's a very important one. But that is on Lee an initial step, because to do not actively berate yourself in your head is a great beginning. But that's not that's not the bar we want to set. If you're looking at a real relationship, that's not a guts on a great standard for a relationship. You want to actually be much more nourishing and encouraging and inspiring that. So I'm gonna get more aware of subtle ones and, um so some of the common ones I think people should be aware of one is a an attitude of dismissal or pushing aside your own feelings or perspective. This one is extremely common, especially people that you know when we talked about not nice earlier people that are nice and pleasing. It's like looking others. So it's like you have Ah, you have a feeling about something. I don't like that thing. I want that. I don't want that like these air Natural human This is your own emotional guidance system, trying to help you navigate your relationships in life. And our habitual response for a critic can be. Why are you feeling that? Why don't you? You should like that person more. You don't want to go to that thing. Why don't you never want to go to anything? Come on, you're going to make yourself go. Come on, just do it. You know, it's our immediate responses, not curiosity with ourselves. It's impatience, and it's trying to, like, push and navigating guy. Push ourselves to be a certain way, do certain things and act a certain way. And that is all designed to be the way that we think we need to be in order to stay safe, keep our relationships and be loved and be accepted. Yeah, except that it's not actually who we are so well, that's a very common form of turning on ourselves. Another one is to be comparing ourselves frequently, excessively toe others.

spk_1:   22:52
And in this day and age, Mike

spk_0:   22:53
Oh my gosh, it's so easy to do it. And it's not comparison based upon like that person runs faster than I do. Look, Iran, they ran. They were faster, like that's a accurate type of comparison. And there's actually value in those comparisons because then you could say, Well, do I want to run faster? I wonder what they did to run faster. I can learn from them and maybe I won't run as fast as them. But I can certainly run faster than I do, so we can use that kind of compares. That's not usually what we do. That's not the self critical comparison. Self critical comparison is basically, someone has or does something that I haven't done or looks a certain way that I don't look and I am worthless. It's like this shortcut Thio undercutting our worth, and I've seen this in people that are extremely successful. I mean, just have everything you could imagine and they're focused on. But that person has that and they instantly feel inadequate, inferior, and it's insane and we know it's insane. But a lot of this critical inner critic stuff is, um, if someone calls it out, Yeah, I know it's it's ridiculous, but we can't stop.

spk_1:   24:05
We keep doing it.

spk_0:   24:06
We're addicted to it were a bitch. It's habit. It's a lot of habit in

spk_1:   24:09
their talk a little bit about the addiction element, because I think that is so key for people to understand that we are actually addicted to certain behaviors that we exhibit. Why is that? What is that about?

spk_0:   24:23
Sure, So an addiction is something that meets multiple are our needs at once, and one of our most basic needs is to feel a sense of like there's different words for it. Tony Robbins will call it certainty. Other people might call it safety. Um, you also think it is like solidity or something, like I understand how things work in the world. You're oriented, it versus disoriented, so if we don't have enough certainty, your safety or whatever, we feel disoriented. We feel scared. We feel anxious. We don't know what's gonna happen. And so one of you is Probably the primary drive in humans is to get a sense of clarity, certainty, control. And that's why. And we'll get it however we can. Okay, 11 easy way to get it is to say, I'm right and they're wrong and create an out group and hate on that out. That's when people are doing that. They're good. You're getting a sense of certainty. Is also getting a sense of connection with other people in their group, for example, like that. So when something meets multiple needs at once, uh, wait, we would go to that pattern again and again and again, just like you know, if someone grabs a drink that'll meet multiple needs at once, it can give him a sense of that. You know, it calms that anxious voice down so they get a sense of certainty or orientation temporarily. Um, it also gives them a sense of changing their makes things more interesting, gives a little bit of variety, um, think drinking other people that can feel more connected. There's a lot of things into meets now, the inner critic, its primary, the primary that it meets is a sense of certainty. It's like I know how things are. If you listen to that voice in your head, there's one thing that it is. It's not accurate. It's not truthful. It's not helpful. But one thing is for sure is absolutely certain about what it's saying. It's certain that you're a loser. It's certainly don't know what you're talking about. It's certain. Nothing that you want to go for is not gonna work. It is certain, and so it gives us It meets that need in one of the worst ways possible for our own emotional health. But it means that meat and one other need that it meets and why were addicted to it, is it meets our need for connection in the safest way possible. So we want to. It's a primary need to connect in loves and be with other humans, and that's inherently risky, though. You gotta open your heart right out of that other person leaves you attacked, you reject you, or even if you have the greatest relationship of all, you know a person could get sick and die, and we all know that. And so it's inherently risky. It's just that's the best. The ticket to admission if you wantto love and connect is human, and that's scary. So that part of us that doesn't want to feel any pain wants to say totally safe says, you know what? Uh, I'm not gonna put myself out there. I'm gonna withdraw and then I'll just connect with myself. And beating yourself up is a weird form of connection, just like when people get in fights in relationship and they're like, No, but you said that. And then you said that I've never been in a fight like this with your kind of people are so upset with each other and then you like, maybe we should take a break and it's like, No, we're gonna stay in this because there's a strong sense of connection there, even though it also

spk_1:   27:25
hurt amidst all that chaos and anger. You wow,

spk_0:   27:28
connection. So it's the same thing with our critic is berating us. We get the sense of connection is that it's nothing. It pales in comparison when you can feel in terms of love with another person, even live with yourself. But we settle for crumbs. Yeah, and so that it meets the need for certainty in connection and then all of a sudden we go to it, we go to it again and again and again. And then we get hooked.

spk_1:   27:51
Wow, Incredible. Um, now let's let's sort of turning the other direction. And what the focus of the book is is around being on my own side. And what does that mean to be on my own side no matter what?

spk_0:   28:10
Yeah, What I love about this is it's a choose your own adventure. And I encourage people as they read the book, to discover what that means for themselves because there's no one way. And so I share what my definition of on my own side is. And that was my I was a snapshot in time. That was my definition as I was writing the book. And we also have is people who have the book you can go to almost book dot com, and we have a a ton of resource is there And what? It was an audio of me sharing my definition of on my own side from the book. So, um, but that's just there to inspire and encourage people to discover what it is for themselves. But some of the components for me are to really think about it as a relationship with someone else. And I want you know, the way that I treat my wife when we're in loving, connection, way want, treat my boys. It's like I want to bring that to myself. So what is that? Well, it's a relationship of empathy, of really caring about myself, being curious about what I'm feeling and thinking and my perceptions really cares about. What is it that I want or don't want that matters just like you? If you're in a relationship with someone and they say, I want this, you say I don't care what you want It doesn't matter to me Wow, that's a That's a That's a pride flag like verses like Oh, I care what you want Tell me now doesn't mean you get everything you want instantly, but I want to hear it. I want to know what it is, and we can work together to see how we can help you have it. So it's that relationship with yourself. It's also one of encouragement. So when I say here's this thing I want to create or do or achieve a pursuit cause it's meaningful to me. I want in there myself to be like, Yeah, I love it. That sounds exciting. How would we do that? How to create that? How do we achieve that? So is encouragement there? There is a belief in myself there. And there is a, um a refusal to turn on myself s o the second I noticed What I want is I want people that have sweet the acronym used throughout the book is almost on my own side. Almost. I use that again in the interrupted book, and I want people to have an almost immune system where where they turn on themselves, there's this, like, low. Let's going on there, that feels I feel sick, you know, Let me let me address that. And so one of most powerful practices I have is what I noticed myself turning on myself. And, yes, I wrote this book. And yes, that still happens because these patterns are insidious and get in here and sneak here, the more you study it. But when I noticed that I catch one, I say, Whoa, whoa, I don't do that. I don't turn on myself in that way. And so that's also part of being on my own side is continually catching anyway, no matter how subtle that I'm not on my own side and bringing it back yet,

spk_1:   30:46
You know, one of the things that you mentioned in the book is you talk about grabbing a journal and doing an inventory of catching yourself when you start to, uh here, your inner critic, uh, coming out. And, you know, it's funny, because I was like, you know, I don't think my inner critic is I feel like I have good control over it, and I think I'm nice to myself a lot of the time, So I thought I don't know that I'm gonna need to do that, But all right, you're coming on the show. Let me try it out. I was shocked. I couldn't believe how many times it It just it appears, And it appears in for for other listeners know that this this can appear like a little whisper. It doesn't necessarily have to be banging on the door of your mind. It for me. It came in just like a little whisper in and out, in and out, in and up. And I thought, Wow, that is incredible to see, uh, all of the different kinds of ways that it can appear. And then once we become mindful of it, as you know, behavior change. It's so incredibly hard for individuals because we have such ingrained patterns. But just becoming aware. And as I love you say, getting curious about Why did Why did that poppin What? Is that true? Is that really true? Why am I being mean to myself? I just absolutely love that. And, um, I really encourage folks to pick up the book a CZ. Before we got on this episode, I could I was reading through over, what, 550 pages. I mean, this is like, not just say that it's insurmountable, but to say that it is incredibly comprehensive for anyone who is interested in learning how to sort of tame the inner critic, be nicer to oneself, develop that self worth. It is absolutely beautiful. Um, Dr Aziz, is there anything a couple of key takeaways you want to leave the audience with?

spk_0:   32:54
Yeah, I love it. And I'm so glad that you did that exercise and really saw because there's always another level to being on our own side. And that is how the critic operates often is it's just infused with our normal thought stream. And you're like, Okay, I'm gonna get some water. I'm gonna talk to this person. Yeah, I'm probably never gonna achieve that goal, because, I mean, look at those people that achieve those goals. Not me, not me. And I'm gonna get this food over here, and it's just it's right in there. And yet it can be powerful. In fact, that is how the critic wants to operate. You want to think about the critic like a a propaganda campaign, remember, its whole agenda. Stay safe, avoid all risks, and in, uh, think about like a dictatorial regime or something that wants to maintain total control, bringing out the troops. That's like the overt self attack. That's kind of ah, labor intensive, resource intensive way of trying to keep you in line, right? It's much, much better to have such control over the populists that you don't even need to bring out the troops on. So its goal is to have such control over you that when you even think it don't even think about pursuing something like, Let's say someone single and they want to create a loving relationship. It just has, like, none other. Never, never do it. E don't even think about it. And most people were like, all right. And and that is that you know that it's got way too much power. It's that grip. Yeah, And so that's why that's why I'm so excited. This book is out here because it's got a great And here's the thing. Here's my message of hope. No matter how intense your critic is, no matter how long it's been there, whether it's led to suicidal depression, levels of self hatred, it does not matter. The flame within you, that is compassion and self love is more powerful. It's just a new habit. It's just a new pattern. And the more awareness you get of the critic of more power you'll have, because the reason has so much power for most people is not because it is that powerful. It's because we've given it the power because we've been unconscious of it. And as soon as you get more aware, and that's why the book is a lot about awareness building, because when you see it boom you start to reclaim your power. And oftentimes people don't don't have to do all the exercises. They just started to say, Wait, whoa, that's self, Chris, I don't want to do that and it starts to work and they're like, Yeah, all right, so that's my message of inspiration. Hope absolutely. You can shift this. You can shift it faster than you think. And I would say one key takeaway is that this does not happen by default. We don't just like, listen to this interview and you're like, Cool. I got it solved. You might have some benefit. You'll get some awareness. But to truly liberate yourself, you must make what I call the decision of a lifetime. And I got people through this in the book, you must decide after you see how messed up the way you've been treating yourself is which is the whole first part of the book. The first chapters about then it's like you're gonna make the decision of a lifetime, which is I'm gonna be on my own side no matter what. I don't even know how yet I'll figure that out later, but I am committed to this being doing what it takes. Because if we don't, then it will make a little progress and labour gain control, make a little progress. And we'll live in that kind of gray zone of our lives. And I want people to really break through the other side, where you really do feel this joy of being alive, joy and who you are, and that comes from that decision. And then once you've made that, then all the tools and everything else that you learn will help you. But if you're listening to this and you're ready to make that decision, I in cruise you to do so now and then from that place, dive into this book or yeah, other resource is out there to really make this shift.

spk_1:   36:31
Now you have to be willing to do the work. And you know, it's interesting because we live in this society where, you know, it's like the seven things you're supposed to do before 6 a.m. Or you know howto have the most productive day or how to be the best parent possible, how to be the best employee, whatever it may be, and we're constantly running towards a quick fix. But I'll say, And I think I hope that you'll agree that some of the most profound work we will do on ourselves can take a little bit of time. It doesn't need to take years or anything, but it will take more than just listening to this. It will actually take you going into a contemplated self reflection that you do consistently with the practices that you are guided through in the book. That's how we actually achieve change. I would love to say there's a quick fix. I have not seen it yet. I will continue to wait for it. But until then, uh, pick up the book, guys, um, Dr Aziz, how can people find you or find the book

spk_0:   37:39
beautiful so I can go toe almost book dot com That's o mos book dot com. And then there's there's links. Thio kindle Amazon. You get a paperback as well or on Audible. Depending on this interview is released, the audibles going coming out and just a little because the Kindle just released, um, last week so we'll have the audible I Yours truly reads that one, which is ah, great way to immerse in the experience. Actually go through the exercises and be guided. And and really, um, the main form of teaching that I do is through live seminars and group programs that stuff. So the audio is a really good way to get a sense of me actually right there working with you this process. So that's the best place to start. Also, people to find out more about me. Um, YouTube channel podcast, tons of free resource is as well as going deeper. You go to dr Aziz dot com. It's D r a Z i z dot com and find out everything

spk_1:   38:31
there. Thank you so much, and we'll put all the show notes or all those links in the show notes. I want to close this episode on a beautiful poem that's actually brought a tear to my eye. This is a poem that you include, um, in the book, this is by it's called Love After Love. May Derek Walcott. I absolutely love this poem, so I'm gonna read this right now. It reads. The time will come when, with elation, you will greet yourself arriving at your own door in your own mirror, and each will smile at the others. welcome and say Sit here, Eat You will love again The stranger who was yourself Give wine Give bread Give back your heart to itself To the stranger who has loved you all your life whom you ignored For another who knows you by heart Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, The photographs, the desperate notes Peel your own image from the mirror. Sit, feast on your life. Thanks. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. And what a beautiful way to think about our journey. So thank you for sharing that. And for all of this information, this has been absolutely wonderful. Yeah, My pleasure. I want to thank you for joining me. And remember to subscribe to your favorite app so you can stay up to date. And I would love your review. If you've enjoyed this episode, please leave a review and comment on apple podcasts. You can also keep in touch with me online. You can find me on Lincoln, and I'm also on instagram at force of bad ass story. All that information will be available in the show notes until next time. Stay brave